Monday, February 3, 2014

Surrender at the Playground

I'm walking into the playground, and there's the giggling and screaming of children and toddlers. There are clusters of mothers talking to each other and I feel a little like an outsider. I'm the Dad. In some ways I'm like a novelty. My anxiety level raises a little bit. I can feel it in my stomach, and my heart rate increases slightly. I can feel my face get a little warmer. I look down at Sam and his eyes are lit up. He's pointing faster than his finger can move. Aaaaah. Deep breath. This is fun. We go over to the swing and I push Sam on the swing a little bit. He's not as giddy as he normally is. He's pointing at a cluster of kids. He obviously wants to go over and play with them. This is a newer development. Before there was smiling, and pointing, and giggling, and monkey noises. Now it's on. He's 15 months old.

His world is opening up faster every day and he's embracing it. I notice a mixture of thoughts and emotions. I am incredibly proud. I always envisioned this moment of him playing with other kids on the playground so I feel a little giddy. I also feel this energy fill my belly. I'm anxious and there is a slight panic. "What if they aren't nice to him?" "What if they take his toys?" "What if he takes their toys and they get pissed." Major protective mode. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a great experience with these other kids. Maybe we just shouldn't go over there. It looks like he's still having a good time swinging. This is where the energy fills my belly and my chest. I know that this is about me. It's this feeling of guilt. He's telling me he wants this. Deep breath. O.k.

We head over to the other kids. He starts playing with their toys. Should I tell him that they're not his toys? Should I just let him be? What about this is about me? Let it be. Let it be.

So what am I aware of? I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want to be judged by the other mothers if I do something they don't agree with. I want Sam to be happy, and then it hits me. What I'm doing is modeling fear. He's going to be ok. I can keep him safe and I can soothe him when he's upset. I can also make mistakes. If I make a mistake then I know to do something differently next time. We're sitting side by side, each having this unique experience. He's pushing a toy truck and making his great vrmmmmm noises. I love those noises. I'm just going to enjoy this moment, yet I'm looking around, seeing if the other kids are going to form a posse and take the truck. How far is Sam going to push the truck?

let's go back to some of the anxiety. Unless you're a father you don't know what it's like to be in a playground full of mothers. You don't. I let Sam go down a mini slide and spotted him and he was a little upset. He's done it many times before and he loves it. This time he just wasn't feeling it. It's obvious to me he just wants to be with the other kids as much as possible. One of the mother's says "Oh isn't that sweet. Daddy's out with baby." "Maybe Daddy can slide down with baby." Uuuuuugh!!! Just because I am a Dad does not mean I don't have good parenting skills. I pride myself on my involvement in Sam's life but this perception remains and it's a subtle cloud hovering around me sometimes that I try to ignore but it's there. I remember a father telling me he overheard some women at the playground wondering whether he was unemployed.

What this all comes down to is the surrender. Sam's playing with the truck. A little girl comes over and wants to play with it. I'm getting in a zone. What will be will be. The little girl takes it and I'm in that zone because whatever will be will be and my mad skills allow me to not react, but to diffuse. "I know, you were playing with that. She's just going to play with it for a little bit. Let's put this sand in the sand truck over here. I really need your help with it. Whoa, check out doggy over there. We're in the moment. Daddy's having a good time. Sam's got a new toy, and did I mention we're in the moment.

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