Dads and Emotions

I was thinking recently about the burden that Dad's have in our society today. Dad's are expected to be more involved with the care taking of their child after so many years of being the provider, the bread winner. This change doesn't happen over night. It takes time for the transition.

Men are then sent mixed messages about being in touch with their emotions. Men are supposed to be more emotional in this day and age but then often if they are, they are seen as too feminine.

When Dad's do get in touch with their emotions, sometimes it's the first time, and that can be incredibly challenging. The expectation is that Moms need support during this time but there isn't much emphasis on the Dad.

If you become more involved with your child but aren't supposed to be emotional it's going to be overwhelming which often no one will know about because you aren't supposed to express that. If men do get in touch with their feelings and have intense emotional experiences during this time, where is the support?

I remember being with my wife during her labor and delivery and balling my eyes out because I couldn't bear her pain. I also remember balling my eyes out in admiration of this incredible warrior, this woman completely in touch with her body. The grace of it. I can't imagine not expressing that pain and that beauty. I remember talking to a therapist about how my time had all gone away, and how I always felt exhausted, and overwhelmed the first three months of my son's life. I remember feeling like I was never going to have a moment to myself again. I also remember feeling fear and anxiety about being a good enough father. Sometimes I hold him and he cries. Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes I can't stop him from crying. I feel so powerless. I don't know what he wants right now. I'm a horrible dad. Oh my god. I'm going to be a horrible Dad. There were nights when I would raise my fist to the air and have a silent primal scream at God in the middle of the night. You and me god. We're having words. Enough. I've reached my capacity. There were times when neither my wife or I could soothe each other, and nights holding Sam in the rocking chair at 2am, seeing the moon through the window, and the sound of crickets and crying because it was so perfect. Through all of this I showed my emotions, asked for support, and got it. It's horrifying to think of not having that.

Emotions are our ticket to the here and now and being a good parent is about being in the here and now. It's important to understand what this transition means to many Men. We need to support our Dads. It's how we're going to support our children.

Surrender at the Playground

I'm walking into the playground, and there's the giggling and screaming of children and toddlers. There are clusters of mothers talking to each other and I feel a little like an outsider. I'm the Dad. In some ways I'm like a novelty. My anxiety level raises a little bit. I can feel it in my stomach, and my heart rate increases slightly. I can feel my face get a little warmer. I look down at Sam and his eyes are lit up. He's pointing faster than his finger can move. Aaaaah. Deep breath. This is fun. We go over to the swing and I push Sam on the swing a little bit. He's not as giddy as he normally is. He's pointing at a cluster of kids. He obviously wants to go over and play with them. This is a newer development. Before there was smiling, and pointing, and giggling, and monkey noises. Now it's on. He's 15 months old.

His world is opening up faster every day and he's embracing it. I notice a mixture of thoughts and emotions. I am incredibly proud. I always envisioned this moment of him playing with other kids on the playground so I feel a little giddy. I also feel this energy fill my belly. I'm anxious and there is a slight panic. "What if they aren't nice to him?" "What if they take his toys?" "What if he takes their toys and they get pissed." Major protective mode. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a great experience with these other kids. Maybe we just shouldn't go over there. It looks like he's still having a good time swinging. This is where the energy fills my belly and my chest. I know that this is about me. It's this feeling of guilt. He's telling me he wants this. Deep breath. O.k.

We head over to the other kids. He starts playing with their toys. Should I tell him that they're not his toys? Should I just let him be? What about this is about me? Let it be. Let it be.

So what am I aware of? I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want to be judged by the other mothers if I do something they don't agree with. I want Sam to be happy, and then it hits me. What I'm doing is modeling fear. He's going to be ok. I can keep him safe and I can soothe him when he's upset. I can also make mistakes. If I make a mistake then I know to do something differently next time. We're sitting side by side, each having this unique experience. He's pushing a toy truck and making his great vrmmmmm noises. I love those noises. I'm just going to enjoy this moment, yet I'm looking around, seeing if the other kids are going to form a posse and take the truck. How far is Sam going to push the truck?

let's go back to some of the anxiety. Unless you're a father you don't know what it's like to be in a playground full of mothers. You don't. I let Sam go down a mini slide and spotted him and he was a little upset. He's done it many times before and he loves it. This time he just wasn't feeling it. It's obvious to me he just wants to be with the other kids as much as possible. One of the mother's says "Oh isn't that sweet. Daddy's out with baby." "Maybe Daddy can slide down with baby." Uuuuuugh!!! Just because I am a Dad does not mean I don't have good parenting skills. I pride myself on my involvement in Sam's life but this perception remains and it's a subtle cloud hovering around me sometimes that I try to ignore but it's there. I remember a father telling me he overheard some women at the playground wondering whether he was unemployed.

What this all comes down to is the surrender. Sam's playing with the truck. A little girl comes over and wants to play with it. I'm getting in a zone. What will be will be. The little girl takes it and I'm in that zone because whatever will be will be and my mad skills allow me to not react, but to diffuse. "I know, you were playing with that. She's just going to play with it for a little bit. Let's put this sand in the sand truck over here. I really need your help with it. Whoa, check out doggy over there. We're in the moment. Daddy's having a good time. Sam's got a new toy, and did I mention we're in the moment.